Love or Limerence: Are You in a Fantasy Relationship?

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The Discovery of Limerence: More Than Just a Crush

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Lovesick. Longing. Limerent. These words might describe exactly what you're feeling right now.

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In 1979, psychologist Dorothy Tennov first coined the term "limerence" in her groundbreaking book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being In Love. After interviewing 500 people caught in the throes of obsessive love, she identified this distinct emotional state that many of us experience but couldn't quite name.

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Limerence isn't just strong attraction or a simple crush. It's an involuntary state of deep obsession and infatuation with another person. It includes a profound emotional dependency on the object of your affections, devastating lows if these feelings aren't reciprocated, and elaborate fantasies that can consume your waking thoughts.

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Does this sound familiar? You're not alone.

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Love vs. Limerence: What's the Crucial Difference?

While there's certainly overlap between love and limerence, the distinction is critical for your emotional wellbeing.

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In love, you're genuinely concerned with the other person's happiness and growth. You see them clearly—flaws and all—and choose to build something together.

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In limerence, the focus shifts dramatically. You're not as concerned with caring for the other person as you are with securing their affection. It's less about commitment and intimacy and more about obsession and validation.

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As one of my clients put it: "I wasn't in love with him—I was in love with how he made me feel when he noticed me."

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When you're in limerence, you likely exaggerate the positive attributes of your love interest while conveniently downplaying or ignoring their flaws. This selective perception creates an idealized version of the person that doesn't actually exist.

10 Signs You're Caught in Limerence Rather Than Love

How can you tell if what you're experiencing is limerence? Here are the telltale signs I often see in my therapy practice:

1. Intrusive, obsessive thinking – You can't stop thinking about them, even when you're trying to focus on work, friends, or other important aspects of your life. As Tennov described in her research, these thoughts are intrusive and overwhelming.
2. Emotional highs and devastating lows – Your emotional state depends entirely on their behavior toward you. A simple text can send you soaring; their silence can plunge you into despair.
3. Elaborate fantasy life – You spend hours creating detailed scenarios in your mind about future interactions or relationships with them. These fantasies often bear little resemblance to reality.
4. Physical symptoms – When you see or think about them, you experience actual physiological reactions—racing heart, butterfly sensations, trembling, or even difficulty breathing.
5. Selective interpretation of signals – You find deep meaning in casual comments or gestures, convinced they indicate reciprocated feelings when they may simply be friendly behavior.
6. Fear of rejection – You experience intense anxiety about potential rejection that far exceeds normal relationship concerns. This fear can be paralyzing.
7. Idealization – You see them as perfect, minimizing or completely missing red flags that would be obvious to others.
8. Jealousy and comparison – You obsessively compare yourself to others who might "compete" for their attention and feel devastated when they interact with potential rivals.
9. Life disruption – Your daily functioning suffers because your thoughts are so consumed with this person. Work, friendships, self-care—all take a backseat to your limerence.
10. Timeline persistence – As Tennov noted in her research, unrequited limerence typically lasts between 6 months to 3 years. If you've been obsessed with someone for this duration without developing a deeper, more balanced connection, you're likely experiencing limerence.

Real Stories: When Fantasy Replaces Reality

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People usually seek help after realizing they've spent months or even years pursuing relationships that exist primarily in their minds. They are often in deep grief as friends have told them that they should let go of the possibility of the relationship.

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Emma (name changed) described spending two years interpreting friendly work interactions with a colleague as signs of deep connection. "I created an entire relationship in my head," she told me after discovering he was engaged to someone else. "We barely spoke about anything personal, yet I somehow convinced myself we had this profound bond. I feel like I've been living in an alternate reality."

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Another client, James, realized he had been in a pattern of limerence his entire dating life: "I'm drawn to people who give me just enough attention to keep me hooked, but never enough to truly connect. I build elaborate stories about what they're thinking and feeling, when in reality, I barely know them. It's exhausting, but the fantasy feels safer than risking real intimacy."

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Does either of these stories resonate with you?

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Why We Fall Into Limerence: Understanding the Pattern

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Limerence isn't random—it often follows specific patterns related to our earliest experiences of love and attachment.

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When you feel that desperate longing for someone's validation and attention, you're often reconnecting with unmet childhood needs. Perhaps you had to work for a parent's inconsistent affection, or maybe you learned that your worth was tied to pleasing others.

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The uncertainty that characterizes limerent relationships—the "will they, won't they" drama—creates a neurochemical cocktail that can become addictive. The rare moments of validation provide intermittent reinforcement, one of the most powerful behavioural conditioning patterns.

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This isn't about weakness or poor judgment. It's about deeply ingrained patterns that once helped you navigate your emotional world but now keep you stuck in painful cycles.

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Your Path to Healing: From Fantasy to Reality

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If you recognize these patterns in yourself, know that there is a way forward. Here's how you can begin your journey from limerence to healthier love:

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1. Bring awareness to the pattern

The first step is naming what you're experiencing. When you can identify "This is limerence, not love," you begin to create distance from the overwhelming emotions. Start a journal where you honestly document your thoughts and feelings without judgment.

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2. Connect with your deeper needs

What is your limerence trying to tell you? Beneath the obsession with this specific person lies important information about your emotional needs. Are you longing for validation? Security? A sense of worthiness?

One client realized: "I'm not actually missing him—I'm missing feeling special, which I rarely experienced growing up."

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3. Understand your attachment patterns

Our early relationships create templates for how we connect with others. If you have an anxious attachment style, you might be more vulnerable to limerence. Learning about your attachment needs can help you recognize when you're seeking impossible validation rather than building secure connections.

Try asking yourself: "How does this current situation echo relationships from my past?"

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4. Practice reality-testing with compassion

When you catch yourself spinning fantasies, gently bring yourself back to observable reality. What has this person actually demonstrated through consistent actions? Not one-time gestures or ambiguous comments, but patterns of behavior.

Create a simple two-column exercise: In one column, write your interpretations and fantasies; in the other, record only concrete, observable facts.

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5. Reclaim your focus

Limerence causes you to lose yourself as you become hyperfocused on another person. Rebuilding your sense of self is crucial for healing.

Set a daily intention to engage in activities that connect you to your values and interests. Even small actions—reading a book you enjoy, taking a class, spending time with friends who see and appreciate the real you—can gradually shift your focus back to your own life.

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6. Seek support

This journey isn't meant to be travelled alone. A therapist experienced in attachment work can help you explore these patterns in a safe, supportive environment. They can help you understand the different "parts" of yourself that get activated in limerence and develop healthier ways of meeting your emotional needs.

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What Real Love Feels Like: A Different Kind of Connection

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As you move beyond limerence, you might worry that you'll never feel that intensity again. And you're right—but that's actually good news.

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Mia, a client who worked through her pattern of limerence, described her new relationship this way: "It's calmer, but so much deeper. I don't have the desperate highs, but I also don't have the crushing lows. I feel seen for who I really am, not who I think he wants me to be. And the best part? I'm actually present in my life again, not lost in fantasy."

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Real love feels like:

• Coming home to yourself, not losing yourself

• Being known and accepted, not idealized

• A sense of peace, not constant anxiety

• Connection that energizes you, not obsession that depletes you

• Building a shared reality, not living in parallel fantasies

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Your Invitation to Reality-Based Love

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If you recognize yourself in these descriptions of limerence, please know that you're not broken. You're experiencing a common pattern that has deep roots in your emotional history. With awareness, support, and compassion for yourself, you can break free from the cycle of fantasy relationships.

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The path from limerence to love isn't about giving up intensity—it's about discovering a different kind of intensity. One that comes from being fully present, fully yourself, and truly connected.

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You deserve a relationship that exists in reality, not just in your mind. And with awareness and support, you can create connections based on love rather than limerence.

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What small step could you take today to move toward more reality-based relationships in your life? Book a free intro call and I’d be happy to discuss a plan to help you create a deeper romantic connection.