When Love Hurts: Understanding and Healing from Narcissistic Relationships

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The Narcissism Label: Understanding the Person Behind the Protective Parts

The term "narcissism" has become ubiquitous in our cultural vocabulary, thrown around to describe everyone from difficult bosses to ex-partners, often without understanding what we're really witnessing.

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As a mental health professional trained in Internal Family Systems and Attachment Theory, I'm deeply concerned about this trend of labelling without comprehension.

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When we see narcissistic traits—the grandiosity, the need for admiration, the apparent lack of empathy—we're not seeing a fundamentally flawed person, but rather someone whose protective parts have taken extreme measures to shield a deeply wounded self. These behaviors, while often harmful to others, typically arise from profound early trauma, shame, or emotional neglect.

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The person displaying narcissistic traits is often trapped in a prison of their own protective strategies, unable to access their authentic self or form genuine connections.

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For those living with someone who exhibits these patterns, understanding this internal struggle doesn't excuse harmful behaviour and boundaries are necessary.

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It can however, provide a framework for compassion and help maintain necessary boundaries. Rather than demonizing or pathologizing, we can recognize that beneath the narcissistic armour lies a person whose system learned that vulnerability was dangerous and that image was everything—a tragic adaptation that ultimately prevents the very connection and authenticity the person desperately needs.

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A reminder of what is Compassion

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Compassion doesn't mean excusing harmful behavior—it means understanding the pain behind it while still holding people accountable for their actions.

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True compassion recognizes that someone can be deeply wounded and still cause real harm to others. When we understand that narcissistic traits often stem from early trauma or profound shame, we're not giving someone a free pass to hurt others; we're simply seeing the full picture of their humanity.

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Compassion allows us to respond with wisdom rather than pure reaction, to set firm boundaries without dehumanizing, and to protect ourselves while still recognizing that the person causing harm is also suffering. This understanding doesn't make their behavior acceptable, but it does make our response more skillful and less likely to perpetuate cycles of hurt.

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The Many Faces of Self-Centered Patterns: It's Not What You Think

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When most of us think of narcissistic behaviour, we picture the flashy, arrogant boss or the celebrity who can't stop talking about themselves (and they do exist!). But as Dr. Ramani Durvasula extensively documents in her clinical work, these patterns show up in far more subtle and complex ways than we might expect. Understanding these different protective strategies can be the first step toward reclaiming your sense of reality.

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Are You Walking on Eggshells in Your Own Life?

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Do you find yourself constantly second-guessing your own reality? Maybe you're married to someone who seems charming to everyone else but leaves you feeling small and invisible at home. Or perhaps you have a family member who always manages to make every conversation about themselves, leaving you wondering if your feelings even matter.

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If you're nodding along, you're not alone. As a Mental Health Coach who provides Holistic and Culturally-Sensitive Relationship Therapy in Dubai to individuals and families from around the world, I see the devastating impact of narcissistic relationships daily in all cultures.

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The confusion, the self-doubt, the feeling like you're losing your mind—these aren't signs of weakness. They're natural responses to being in relationship with someone whose emotional patterns can be deeply harmful to those around them.

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Here's what I want you to know right from the start: you're not crazy, you're not too sensitive, and you're definitely not imagining things.

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As Dr. Ramani Durvasula powerfully states in her groundbreaking book "It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People," the confusion and self-doubt you're experiencing are actually normal responses to abnormal relationship dynamics. Let's explore this together, shall we?

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Understanding Self-Centered Patterns Through an IFS (Internal Family Systems) Lens

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Before we dive deeper, let me share something important: while we often use the term "narcissism" to describe these patterns, Internal Family Systems (IFS) offers us a more compassionate and nuanced understanding. Rather than labelling someone as fundamentally flawed, IFS sees these behaviours as protective strategies developed by different "parts" of a person's psyche.

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Dr. Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS, explains that we all have different internal parts—some that protect us (managers), some that hold our wounds (exiles), and some that react when we're triggered (firefighters). In people with narcissistic patterns, these parts have become extreme and rigid, often to protect against deep, early wounds.

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As Dr. Durvasula notes in her extensive research, "Narcissistic patterns aren't just about vanity or selfishness—they're complex defensive structures built around profound insecurity and shame." This IFS perspective helps us understand that underneath the grandiosity or victim behaviour lies a severely wounded exile part that the person's system is desperately trying to protect.

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The Charming Performer: Grandiose Manager Parts

Sarah, a British expat living in Dubai, came to my relationship counseling practice feeling completely bewildered. "Everyone thinks my husband is amazing," she told me, tears streaming down her face. "At parties, people always comment on how lucky I am. But at home, I feel like I don't exist unless I'm reflecting his greatness back to him."

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Does this sound familiar? What Dr. Durvasula calls the Grandiose Narcissist is, from an IFS perspective, someone whose manager parts have become hypervigilant about maintaining an image of superiority. These are the people who:

• Command attention in every room they enter

• Constantly broadcast their achievements on social media

• Show little genuine interest when you try to share your own experiences

• Become visibly agitated when they're not the center of attention

• Treat service staff poorly while maintaining their "perfect" public image

Here's what's happening beneath the surface: these individuals have exile parts carrying deep shame and inadequacy that their manager parts work overtime to keep hidden. As Dr. Durvasula explains, "The grandiosity isn't confidence—it's a defence against feeling fundamentally flawed." The constant need for admiration is actually their system's way of trying to prove to themselves that they're worthy of love.

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If you're living with this type, remember that their need for constant validation isn't really about you—it's about their internal struggle. However, this doesn't mean you should sacrifice your own wellbeing to feed their ego.

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The Hidden Victim: Vulnerable Parts Turned Inward

"I thought I was helping him," Maria, a Colombian graphic designer, shared during our couples therapy session. "He seemed so misunderstood, so sensitive. I wanted to be the one who finally 'saw' him. But somehow, I'm always the one doing something wrong."

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What Dr. Durvasula terms Covert Narcissism appears very different on the surface. From an IFS lens, these individuals have exile parts that feel chronically unseen or unvalued, but instead of developing grandiose manager parts, they've created what we might call "victim managers"—parts that maintain specialness through suffering and being misunderstood.

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Dr. Durvasula notes, "Covert narcissists often present as the wounded healer, the misunderstood genius, the perpetual victim of circumstance." They might seem:

• Quiet, introverted, even shy

• Perpetually misunderstood or unappreciated

• Intellectually superior but emotionally fragile

• Prone to passive-aggressive behaviour when upset

• Like they're carrying the weight of the world

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In IFS terms, their system has organized around the belief that they can only be special by being the most wounded, the most sensitive, the most overlooked. Their firefighter parts emerge through passive-aggression, sulking, and making others feel guilty for not adequately recognizing their unique suffering.

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If you recognize this pattern: You might find yourself constantly trying to prove you understand them, only to discover that nothing you do is ever quite right.

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The Do-Gooder: When Helping Becomes Self-Serving

This one might surprise you. Ahmed, a businessman, seemed like the perfect husband—always volunteering for charity events, posting about social causes, being praised by the community. But his wife Fatima felt completely neglected. "He has endless energy for strangers but comes home emotionally unavailable to me and our children."

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Dr. Durvasula's research reveals that Communal Narcissists have found a socially acceptable way to feed their need for admiration. From an IFS perspective, their manager parts have discovered that being "the good one" or "the helper" can provide narcissistic supply while maintaining social approval.

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As Dr. Durvasula explains, "What differentiates genuine altruism from communal narcissism is the motivation—true helpers aren't constantly broadcasting their good deeds or expecting recognition." These individuals use charitable acts to maintain their sense of superiority and specialness, but the empathy rarely extends to their intimate relationships where there's no audience to appreciate their goodness.

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The Dangerous Territory: When Parts Become Malignant

This is where we move from difficult to genuinely dangerous. As psychologist Erich Fromm described by in the 60s, and Dr. Durvasula extensively documents, Malignant Narcissism represents the most severe form of these patterns. From an IFS perspective, these individuals have exile parts so wounded and manager parts so extreme that they've essentially lost access to their Self—their core essence of compassion and wisdom.

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Dr. Durvasula emphasizes, "Malignant narcissists combine grandiosity with antisocial features—they lack remorse, are exploitative, and show sadistic pleasure in others' pain." In IFS terms, their firefighter parts have become dominant, willing to harm others without conscience to protect their fragile internal system.

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If you recognize these patterns in your relationship, please know that this isn't something you can love away or fix through better communication. This requires professional intervention and often, for your safety, distance.

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The Gentle Storm: When Parts Are Mildly Out of Balance

Not all self-centered patterns are equally harmful. What we might call Benign Narcissism from an IFS perspective represents someone whose parts are out of balance but not extremely so. Their manager parts might be somewhat self-focused and their capacity for empathy limited, but they retain some access to their Self and capacity for relationship.

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Think of the friend who's great fun but never available when you need support, or the parent who loves you but only on their terms. Dr. Durvasula notes, "These individuals can be frustrating and disappointing, but they're not deliberately cruel or exploitative."

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How Your Nervous System Responds: The Research Behind the Pain

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Dr. Durvasula's extensive clinical research shows that living with these patterns—whether mild or severe—creates what she calls "narcissistic abuse syndrome." Your nervous system responds to the unpredictability and emotional invalidation in predictable ways. You might notice:

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• Feeling constantly anxious or "on edge" (hypervigilance)

• Second-guessing your own memories and perceptions (gaslighting effects)

• Physical symptoms like headaches, stomach issues, or insomnia

• Feeling emotionally numb or disconnected from yourself

• Complex trauma responses similar to PTSD

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As Dr. Durvasula emphasizes in "It's Not You," these aren't character flaws—they're intelligent adaptations your nervous system has made to survive in what she terms a "psychologically invalidating environment."

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The Path Forward: How Therapy Can Transform Your Experience

Individual Therapy: Reclaiming Your Inner Compass

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Trauma-informed therapy, particularly approaches that understand the impact of psychological invalidation, can help you:

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Rebuild your sense of reality: Dr. Durvasula's work shows that narcissistic relationships often involve subtle forms of manipulation and gaslighting that can make you doubt your own perceptions. Therapy provides what she calls "reality testing"—a safe space to validate your experiences and rebuild trust in your own intuition.

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Understand your own patterns: Using IFS therapy, we can explore the parts of yourself that might have been drawn to or stayed in these relationships. Often, our own exile parts—perhaps carrying wounds from childhood—seek out what feels familiar, even when it's harmful. Dr. Durvasula notes, "We're often drawn to what we know, not what's healthy."

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Develop healthy boundaries: Dr. Durvasula emphasizes that learning to set and maintain boundaries isn't selfish—it's essential for psychological survival. From an IFS perspective, we help your Self develop the capacity to protect your exile parts while maintaining compassion for others' wounded parts without sacrificing yourself.

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Couples Therapy: When There's Hope for Change

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Can these patterns change? Dr. Durvasula is cautiously optimistic about milder forms, particularly what she calls "subclinical narcissism," but realistic about the challenges. For couples therapy to be effective with these patterns, several conditions must be met:

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Self-awareness without defensiveness: As Dr. Durvasula notes, "True change requires the person to genuinely see and acknowledge their impact on others without immediately becoming defensive or turning themselves into the victim."

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Genuine empathy development: This means developing what IFS calls "Self-leadership"—the ability to feel and respond to your emotions from their core Self, not just intellectually understanding them.

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Consistent behavioural change: Dr. Durvasula emphasizes, "Good intentions aren't enough—patterns need to actually shift over time, and the person needs to be willing to do the uncomfortable work of facing their wounded parts."

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However, Dr. Durvasula strongly cautions against couples therapy when dealing with malignant patterns, as these individuals often use therapy insights to become more sophisticated in their manipulation tactics.

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Family Therapy: Healing the Whole System

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When children are involved, family therapy can help:

• Protect children from absorbing narcissistic patterns

• Teach healthy communication and emotional expression

• Create safety within the family system

• Help non-narcissistic family members develop resilience

Your Healing Journey: Practical Steps You Can Take Today

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Week 1: Reality Check and Validation

• Start journaling your experiences without judgment
• Connect with trusted friends or family members outside the relationship
• Consider reaching out to a mental health professional for an assessment

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Week 2: Boundary Building

• Identify one small boundary you can implement (maybe limiting certain conversations or taking space when you feel overwhelmed)
• Practice saying "I need some time to think about that" when pressed for immediate responses
• Notice what happens in your body when boundaries are crossed

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Week 3: Self-Compassion Practice‍

• Remind yourself daily: "I am not responsible for managing another person's emotions"
• Practice loving-kindness meditation, starting with yourself
• Engage in one activity purely for your own joy each day

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Week 4: Support System Activation

• Reach out to one person who makes you feel seen and valued
• Consider joining a support group for people in similar situations
• Research therapists specializing in narcissistic abuse recovery

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The Questions You're Probably Asking

"Am I being too harsh? Maybe they're just having a hard time." Trust your gut. Healthy people going through difficult times don't consistently make you feel small, confused, or like you're walking on eggshells.

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"What if I'm the one with these patterns?" The fact that you're asking this question with genuine concern for others suggests you're probably not dealing with severe narcissistic patterns. As Dr. Durvasula notes, "True narcissists rarely engage in this level of self-reflection or worry about their impact on others."

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However, we all have parts that can become self-centered under stress—the key is whether you can see this, feel genuine remorse, and make consistent changes.

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"Can love really overcome these patterns?" Dr. Durvasula is clear on this point: "Love is not enough to heal narcissistic patterns. These are deeply ingrained defensive structures that require professional intervention and genuine motivation to change." As she emphasizes in "It's Not You," your love cannot heal someone else's wounded parts—only they can do that work.

Finding Hope in Dubai's International Community

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Living in Dubai, we're surrounded by a beautiful mix of cultures and backgrounds, but this can also mean being far from our traditional support systems. Whether you're an expat dealing with isolation or a local feeling misunderstood, know that culturally-sensitive therapy can provide the support you need.

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Many of my clients find that understanding their own protective mechanisms and childhood trauma and wounds through the IFS lens helps them make sense not just of romantic relationships, but also family dynamics, workplace situations, and friendship challenges that might have roots in their culture of origin.

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You Deserve Relationships That Nourish Your Soul

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Here's what I want you to remember: healthy love doesn't require you to lose yourself. It doesn't ask you to constantly prove your worth or walk on eggshells to maintain peace. Healthy love sees you, values you, and creates space for your authentic self to flourish.

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If you're recognizing yourself in these descriptions, please be gentle with yourself. Healing from narcissistic relationships takes time, support, and often professional guidance. But it's absolutely possible to reclaim your sense of self and create the loving, reciprocal relationships you deserve.

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You are worthy of love that doesn't hurt. You deserve to be seen, heard, and valued exactly as you are. And with the right support, you can find your way back to the person you were before the confusion began—stronger, wiser, and more connected to your own beautiful truth.

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Ready to honour both your cultures while building a stronger relationship? As a culturally-sensitive couples therapist in Dubai experienced in multicultural relationships, I'm here to help navigate the beautiful complexity of cross-cultural love.

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Book a free confidential introduction consultation to explore how you can be supported along your path forward.

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About the Author: Evelyne L. Thomas is an experienced Mental Health Coach and multicultural Couples Therapist and Coach based in Dubai specializing in cross-cultural relationships, interfaith marriages, and expat family dynamics. With experience supporting couples for over 10 years and over 40 years-experience of living and working in the UAE, she brings cultural sensitivity and holistic healing approaches to Mental Health and Relationship Therapies in the UAE. She works with English & French speaking clients online worldwide or in person in Dubai.

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All cultures, all backgrounds, all love stories are welcome.