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This February, forget the flowers—ask yourself the questions that matter most: Do I feel safe? Does my partner feel safe? What can we each do to create safety together?

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"Love without safety is just pretty packaging around pain."

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Valentine's Day. The shops are filled with roses, chocolates, and cards promising eternal devotion.

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For many couples, Valentine's Day is a genuine celebration—a moment to honour connection, safety, and love that feels deeply good. If you're in a relationship where you feel consistently safe, seen, and chosen, this holiday can be exactly what it promises to be.

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But for others, Valentine's Day brings something different entirely: guilt, anxiety, dread, or that uncomfortable feeling that you're supposed to be happy but you're... not.

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If that's you—if you've been doubting your relationship, if something feels persistently off, if there's a voice inside saying "this isn't right"—trust that voice.

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Your body doesn't lie.

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Here's what the greeting cards won't tell you: Love without safety is just pretty packaging around pain.

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In my 10+ years working with couples in Dubai, February always brings a particular kind of guilt. Couples come to me saying they should be excited about Valentine's Day—but instead, they feel exhausted, anxious, or numb.

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When I ask how their relationship is, most say: "Fine."

But their bodies—and their nervous systems—tell a different story.

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This article is for both of you—whether you're the one feeling unsafe, or wondering if your partner feels safe with you. Because creating safety in a relationship is a shared responsibility.

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The Love Story Your Unconscious Wrote

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Here's the plot twist no one prepared you for: You didn't fall in love by accident.

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Here's something most people don't know: you were unconsciously drawn to your partner because they mirror your early caregivers—both their strengths and their wounds. Relationship experts call this your "unconscious template for love."

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When they're distant, dismissive, or emotionally unavailable, it doesn't just hurt—it reopens your childhood wound.

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The wound that whispered: "I'm not important enough. My needs are too much."

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That Valentine's card that says "You complete me"? It sounds attractive.

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Your unconscious thought your partner would heal you. Instead, they're activating your deepest pain—and you're likely activating theirs too.

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Here's the crucial part: You BOTH came into this relationship with childhood wounds. You BOTH have patterns that can make the other feel unsafe. Creating safety isn't one person's job—it's both of yours.

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📦 The Safety Check - For Both Of You

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Part 1: Do I Feel Safe?

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Ask yourself:

• Do I edit what I say before I say it?

• Do I monitor their mood before speaking?

• Do I feel like I'm walking on eggshells?

• Am I shrinking myself to keep the peace?

• Do I feel lonely even when we're together?

If you checked 2+: Your nervous system is telling you you're not safe.

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Part 2: What Do I Do When I'm Afraid?

When I feel unsafe, I tend to:

• Pursue for reassurance (call, text, ask "Are you okay?" repeatedly)

• Get anxious and need to know where they are

• Become critical or blame them

• Withdraw and go quiet

• Shut down emotionally

• Get defensive or angry

These are your protective strategies. They developed in childhood to keep you safe—but they might be making your partner feel unsafe now.

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Part 3: Does My Partner Feel Safe With Me?

Notice if your partner:

• Seems to edit what they say around you

• Appears to monitor your mood before speaking

• Seems anxious or on edge when you're together

• Has stopped sharing their feelings or needs

• Withdraws when you're upset or critical

If you notice 2+: Your partner might not feel safe with you.

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Part 4: What Can I Do To Create Safety?

I can work on:

• Noticing my own defensive reactions

• Staying present when my partner is upset (instead of fixing or fleeing)

• Being curious about my patterns instead of defensive

• Regulating my own nervous system before reacting

• Acknowledging my impact on my partner

• Being willing to get help (therapy, coaching)

Creating safety is an active choice you make every day.

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Why You Can't Just "Calm Down" - Understanding Both Sides

When your partner withdraws, your body doesn't just feel sad—it panics.

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When your partner pursues you intensely, your body doesn't just feel annoyed—it feels overwhelmed and trapped.

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Here's why:

We ALL want connection—that's our human state. But we learned to seek (or protect ourselves from) connection in two opposite ways:

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"I Need More Connection" (Anxious Attachment)

When I feel disconnected, I:

• Constantly monitor their mood before speaking

• Seek reassurance over and over

• Make myself small and "easy" to avoid rejection

• Feel desperate when they pull away

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These patterns are protecting the wounded part of me that learned early on: "I'm not lovable as I am. I have to earn love."

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What my partner experiences: They feel pursued, pressured, trapped, like they can never do enough

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What I can work on: Learning to self-soothe, tolerating uncertainty, asking for what I need directly instead of testing

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"I Need Space to Feel Safe" (Avoidant Attachment)

When I feel overwhelmed, I:

• Go emotionally numb when they're upset

• Get angry or defensive when "pressured"

• Say "You're too sensitive" or "You're overreacting"

• Need to escape when emotions get intense

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These patterns are protecting the wounded part of me that learned: "I'm not enough. Emotions are dangerous. I'll fail them."

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What my partner experiences: They feel abandoned, unimportant, like their emotions don't matter

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What I can work on: Staying present with discomfort, communicating before I withdraw, acknowledging my partner's pain instead of dismissing it

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The tragedy? Both of you are trying to feel safe—but your protective strategies hurt each other.

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The solution? Both of you learning to:

1. Recognize your own patterns

2. Take responsibility for your impact

3. Regulate your own nervous system

4. Create safety for each other

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The 3 Questions Safe Love Must Answer - For BOTH Partners

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In my work with couples, I use Dr. Sue Johnson's research (Emotionally Focused Therapy) on the three core needs every relationship must answer:

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1. Are You ACCESSIBLE?

Translation: "Can I reach you? Are you there when I need you?"

💔 Unsafe: Always distracted, on phone, "too busy"

💚 Safe: Turns toward you. "I see you. I'm here."

Ask yourself: Am I accessible to my partner? Do I turn toward them or away?

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2. Are You RESPONSIVE?

Translation: "Does my pain matter to you?"

💔 Unsafe: "You're overreacting." "Don't be so dramatic."

💚 Safe: Leans in. "Tell me more. I want to understand."

Ask yourself: Am I responsive to my partner's pain? Or do I dismiss, minimize, or fix?

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3. Are You ENGAGED?

Translation: "Do I matter to you? Am I a priority?"

💔 Unsafe: Partner feels like an afterthought

💚 Safe: Show up. Remember. Choose them—daily.

Ask yourself: Is my partner a priority? Do my actions show it?

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This Valentine's, ask yourself TWO questions:

1. Does my relationship answer YES to all three for ME?

2. Am I answering YES to all three for my PARTNER?

Both matter. Both create safety.

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📊 DID YOU KNOW?

According to research by Dr. John Gottman, 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual—they never fully resolve. The key isn't solving them, but understanding the emotional wounds underneath—in both of you.

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The Dance You're Both Dancing

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Most struggling couples I work with are caught in what I call the Anxious-Avoidant Dance—and both partners are responsible for keeping it going:

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Here's what the cycle looks like:

Step 1: Partner A reaches for connection

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Step 2: Partner B pulls away (feeling pressured/overwhelmed)

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Step 3: Partner A pursues harder (panic rising, feeling abandoned)

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Step 4: Partner B withdraws more (feeling inadequate/trapped)

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Step 5: Partner A's wound confirms: "See? I'm not lovable."

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Step 6: Partner B's wound confirms: "See? I'm failing them."

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Step 7: Repeat until exhausted

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Here's the truth:

Partner A isn't "too needy" - they're trying to feel safe through connection

Partner B isn't "cold or distant" - they're trying to feel safe through space

You're both trying to feel safe—in ways that accidentally hurt each other.

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"You cannot love someone into emotional availability. No amount of devotion will change them if they're unwilling to do the work."

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But here's the fuller truth: You're BOTH responsible for doing the work. You're BOTH responsible for creating safety.

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Security = Vulnerability Received With Empathy

Partner A's responsibility: Offer vulnerability without blame

Partner B's responsibility: Receive vulnerability with empathy (not fixing)

Both are required. Both create safety.

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Red Flags - But Also: What Are YOU Contributing?

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This Valentine's, watch for patterns in your relationship:

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Red Flags in Your Partner:

💔 Treats affection like a choice (not a natural expression)

💔 Makes you feel ashamed for wanting consistency

💔 Says "You're too needy" when you express needs

💔 Can't stay present when you're vulnerable

💔 Refuses to do their own healing work

💔 Cannot acknowledge their impact on you

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Red Flags in Yourself:

💔 Am I pursuing so intensely that my partner feels trapped?

💔 Am I withdrawing so completely that my partner feels abandoned?

💔 Am I dismissing my partner's emotions as "too much"?

💔 Am I refusing to look at my own patterns?

💔 Am I making my partner responsible for all my emotional regulation?

💔 Am I unwilling to acknowledge my impact on them?

Your gut knows. Listen to it. And be honest about BOTH sides.

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📦 What You Both Deserve

Forget the chocolates. Here's what real love looks like—and what both partners create together:

✓ Both partners have done their inner work

✓ Both can stay present when things get hard

✓ Both see each other's emotions as natural, not burdens

✓ Love that feels calm—not chaotic (created by BOTH)

✓ Connection that feels like coming home—not chasing or fleeing (BOTH participating)

Healthy love doesn't make either of you smaller. It lets both of you breathe.

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Your Valentine's Self-Check - For Both Of You

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You may want to try this together or separately:

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Close your eyes and breathe normally.

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Notice what's present:

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Anxious? Hopeful? Scared? Resentful? Guilty? Defensive?

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Ask gently: Can these feelings step back for just a moment?

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What's left is your wise, calm centre.

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From this place, take a gentle breath and ask:

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About Your Own Safety:

• "Do I feel safe in this relationship?"

• "Does this love let me be fully myself?"

• "Am I settling for familiar pain instead of actual safety?"

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About Your Partner's Safety:

• "Does my partner feel safe with me?"

• "What do I do when I'm afraid that might make them feel unsafe?"

• "Am I willing to look at my own patterns?"

• "What can I do differently to create safety for both of us?"

Listen. Your deepest self knows the answer—to both questions.

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The Hard Truth About Healing Love

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You cannot love someone into emotional availability.

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But you also can't expect your partner to create all the safety while you do none of the work.

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If Your Partner Is Unwilling:

If your partner is unwilling to:

• Acknowledge their patterns

• Go to therapy

• Do the work to access their calm, compassionate self

• Take responsibility for their wounds

...then no amount of devotion will change them.

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The most loving thing you can do—for yourself—is stop re-wounding yourself by staying.

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If YOU Are Unwilling:

But ask yourself honestly:

• Am I willing to acknowledge MY patterns?

• Am I willing to go to therapy?

• Am I willing to take responsibility for MY wounds?

• Am I willing to look at how MY behavior might make my partner feel unsafe?

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If you're not willing to do the work, you can't expect your partner to feel safe with you either.

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If You're BOTH Willing:

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But if you're BOTH willing—and you both show up to heal—you can transform this.

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Not back to what it was (that relationship had cracks).

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Into something new, honest, and truly safe—created by both of you.

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I love this quote by relationship psychotherapist Esther Perel: "Most of us will have 4-5 different marriages in our lifetime. Hopefully most of them are to the same person."

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This gives the couples I work with hope that things can change, that their life together can be better—when BOTH are willing to do their deep work, individually and together.

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📦 3 Signs You Are Both Willing To Do the Hard Lifting Work

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1. You both acknowledge your patterns

Not defensively—with genuine curiosity about your own wounds and how they impact the other

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2. You both seek help

Therapy, books, workshops—not just promises to "try harder"

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3. You both show up differently—consistently

Actions over time from BOTH partners, not just words in the moment

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"But My Partner Won't Go to Therapy..."

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This is one of the most common concerns I hear in my practice.

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Here's the truth: You can't force someone into therapy. However, you CAN:

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1. Start with individual therapy for yourself

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Even if your partner won't come, you can:

• Heal your own patterns

• Understand your cycle

• Make empowered decisions

• Work on YOUR side of creating safety

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Many of my clients start individually, and their partners join later once they see the changes.

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2. Frame it as "relationship coaching" not "therapy"

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Some people resist the word "therapy" but are open to "coaching" or "relationship skills training."

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Try: "I've found someone who teaches couples communication and conflict tools. Would you be willing to try a few sessions?"

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3. Set a timeline

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If your partner refuses help but promises to "try harder" on their own:

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Give it 3 months. If nothing changes by [specific date], you revisit the conversation.

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This prevents years of waiting for change that never comes.

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4. But also ask: Am I willing?

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Before you insist your partner go to therapy, ask yourself:

• Am I willing to go (individually or as a couple)?

• Am I willing to look at MY patterns?

• Am I willing to take responsibility for MY impact?

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If you're demanding your partner change while refusing to look at yourself, that's not fair—and it won't work.

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5. Go alone if needed

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If your partner absolutely refuses and won't budge—or if YOU need to work on your side first:

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Individual therapy can help you:

• Understand why you're tolerating emotional unsafety

• Understand YOUR patterns that might contribute to unsafety

• Heal your childhood wounds that keep you stuck

• Make decisions from a place of clarity (not desperation)

• Prepare to leave if that's what's needed—OR prepare to stay and do YOUR work

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You don't need your partner's permission to get help. And you can work on YOUR side of creating safety even if they're not ready yet.

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When Waiting Becomes Harmful: The Case for Getting Help NOW

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I see this all the time: couples wait years before seeking help—hoping things will improve on their own, or waiting for the OTHER person to change first.

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But here's the truth I've learned from working with hundreds of couples: The longer you wait, the harder it becomes. And change starts when ONE person is willing to look at their side.

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The research is clear:

• Couples wait an average of 6 years before seeking therapy

• By that time, resentment has hardened, distance has widened, and patterns have calcified

• The earlier you intervene, the better your chances of rebuilding

• Change often starts when one person does their own work—not when both are "ready"

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If you're recognizing yourself in this article, don't wait.

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Seek help if:

• You've been feeling unsafe for more than 6 months

• You're experiencing physical symptoms (insomnia, anxiety, chronic stress)

• Your partner refuses to acknowledge issues—OR you're refusing to acknowledge YOUR patterns

• You're both stuck in the pursue-withdraw cycle

• You're considering leaving but want to know you tried everything first—including working on yourself

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Couples therapy isn't a last resort. It's a smart, proactive choice.

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Individual therapy is ALSO a smart, proactive choice—even if your partner won't come.

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You wouldn't wait 6 years to see a doctor about chest pain. Why wait to address the pain in your relationship—or to work on your side of creating safety?

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Ready to understand your patterns and create safety together (or start with yourself)?

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Book a free 20-minute introductory call

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In this call, we'll:

• Discuss what's happening in your relationship

• Explore BOTH partners' patterns (not just one)

• Determine if Heal & Reconnect or Rebuild & Restore is right for you

• Discuss individual therapy if your partner isn't ready yet

• Answer your questions about the process

• Give you clarity on next steps

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You don't have to figure this out alone. And you can start with YOUR side. Let's talk. 💙

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This Valentine's Day: Choose Mutual Responsibility for Safety

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You were not made to beg for emotional presence.

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You were not made to heal someone else's wounds while yours bleed.

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You were not made to settle for defended love.

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But you're also not exempt from doing your own work.

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This Valentine's, give yourself—and your relationship—the gift of truth:

Ask:

• "Am I actually safe here?"

• "Is my partner safe with me?"

• "What am I contributing to the unsafety?"

• "Am I willing to do MY work?"

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If the answer is:

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"No, I'm not safe—and my partner won't do the work" → The most loving thing you can do is let go.

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"I'm not sure—but I'm willing to work on MY side first" → Start with individual therapy. Your work will change the dynamic.

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"Yes, we're both willing" → Commit to healing together. Both doing the work. Both creating safety.

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Because you deserve love that feels like safety.

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And so does your partner.

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Not just on Valentine's Day. Every single day.

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📖 RESOURCES

Books Worth Reading:

• Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson (Emotionally Focused Therapy)

• Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix (Imago Relationship Therapy)

• No Bad Parts by Dr. Richard Schwartz (Internal Family Systems)

• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman

• Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller (Understanding Attachment Styles)

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Need Help?

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If you're struggling to understand your patterns—or your partner's—or if you want to work on creating safety together (or start with yourself), working with a therapist trained in IFS, EFT, or Imago therapy can help you break the cycle.

Book a free introductory call.

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About the Author

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I'm Evelyne Thomas, a Mental Health Coach and Multicultural Couples Therapist based in Dubai. Trained in Internal Family Systems (IFS), Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Imago Relationship Therapy as well as Gottman Method, I specialise in helping couples (and individuals) understand their patterns and create mutual safety in relationships.

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With over 10 years supporting individuals and couples, and more than 40 years of experience living and working in the UAE, I bring deep cultural sensitivity and evidence-based approaches to help people break painful cycles and rebuild emotional safety—whether working individually or as a couple.

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I work with English and French-speaking clients online worldwide or in-person in Dubai.

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All cultures, all backgrounds, all love stories are welcome.