When New Year's Expectations Become Anxiety: Understanding the Parts That Sabotage Our Goals

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Every January, we do it.

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We promise ourselves this will be the year everything changes.

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This is the year we'll finally have the perfect relationship, achieve complete emotional balance, become the person we've always wanted to be. We set the bar impossibly high, fuelled by fresh calendar pages and the intoxicating belief that a new year means a new us.

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And then, by mid-February, we're drowning in disappointment.

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As a mental health coach and a couple therapist based in Dubai, I see this pattern every year. People come to seek professional help after their resolutions have crumbled, wondering what's wrong with them.

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So let's have a look at what’s really happening beneath the surface: We're trying to force new behaviours without understanding why the old ones existed in the first place.

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We're attempting transformation while ignoring the parts of ourselves that are terrified of change.

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And that internal conflict? That's where the anxiety lives.

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Quick Quiz: Which Protective Part is Sabotaging Your Goals?

Before we dive deeper, take this quiz to identify your primary protective pattern. Answer honestly—there are no wrong answers. Choose the response that resonates most, even if it's not a perfect fit.

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1. When you think about your New Year goals, your first reaction is:

a) Anxiety about doing it perfectly—if I can't do it right, what's the point?

b) Feeling overwhelmed and wanting to avoid thinking about it

c) Harsh self-judgment about past failures—"I always mess this up"

d) Worry about how others will react or what they'll expect from me

e) Need to plan every detail before I can even start

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2. When you experience a setback with your goals, you typically:

a) Feel like you've completely failed and want to quit entirely

b) Distract yourself with other things or procrastinate on getting back on track

c) Attack yourself with harsh criticism—"You're such a failure"

d) Focus on helping others with their problems instead of dealing with yours

e) Get frustrated that things didn't go according to plan and feel anxious

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3. In conflict with others, you tend to:

a) Apologize excessively, even for things that aren't your fault

b) Withdraw emotionally or physically—shut down or leave

c) Assume it's your fault and spiral into self-blame

d) Suppress your own needs to keep the peace

e) Try to control the outcome or manage the other person's emotions

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4. When someone gives you feedback or criticism, you:

a) Obsess over every detail and feel crushed if it's not all positive

b) Avoid thinking about it or pretend it doesn't bother you

c) Immediately agree with them and add even harsher criticism of yourself

d) Focus on what they need from you and how to fix their perception

e) Get defensive or try to explain/justify everything in detail

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5. Your inner voice most often sounds like:

a) "That's not good enough. You need to do better. Try harder."

b) "This is too much. I can't handle this right now. Maybe later."

c) "You're such a failure. You'll never change. Why do you even try?"

d) "What will they think? You need to make sure everyone else is okay first."

e) "If you just plan it perfectly, you can prevent anything from going wrong."

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6. When it comes to asking for help or support, you:

a) Struggle because you feel you should be able to handle everything perfectly on your own

b) Avoid it entirely—it feels too vulnerable or like too much effort

c) Don't feel worthy of help or believe you don't deserve support

d) Only ask for help if it won't inconvenience anyone or make them think less of you

e) Research extensively first to make sure you're asking the "right" person in the "right" way

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7. When you have free time or a moment to rest, you:

a) Can't relax because you're thinking about all the things you should be doing better

b) Zone out with distractions (scrolling, TV) because truly resting feels uncomfortable

c) Feel guilty for resting—you haven't "earned" it yet

d) Use it to help others or catch up on things for other people

e) Struggle to relax without a plan or schedule for how to rest "properly"

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8. What you're most afraid of experiencing is:

a) Making a mistake, being seen as incompetent, or not measuring up

b) Overwhelming emotions, being flooded by feelings, or facing difficult situations

c) Confirming that you're fundamentally flawed, unworthy, or a failure

d) Rejection, abandonment, or disappointing the people you care about

e) Chaos, uncertainty, unpredictability, or things spiraling out of control

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9. In your relationships, you most often:

a) Hold yourself and others to very high standards, which can create distance

b) Pull away or create space when things get emotionally intense

c) Blame yourself when things go wrong, even when it's not your fault

d) Put others' needs first and struggle to express your own needs

e) Try to solve problems or fix things rather than just being present

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10. When you're stressed or anxious, you tend to:

a) Become more rigid, detail-oriented, and critical of yourself and others

b) Shut down, numb out, or avoid dealing with whatever is causing stress

c) Attack yourself mentally with harsh, punishing thoughts

d) Become even more focused on taking care of others or making them happy

e) Hyper-focus on planning, organizing, or trying to control outcomes

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Your Results

Count how many of each letter you selected

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Mostly A's: The Perfectionist Protector

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Core belief: "If I'm perfect, I'll be safe from criticism and rejection."

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This part believes that perfection equals safety. It sets impossibly high standards, then sabotages when you can't meet them. The Perfectionist tells you "if it's not perfect, it's worthless," leading to all-or-nothing thinking.

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What it's protecting you from: Criticism, rejection, being seen as incompetent or inadequate, shame of not measuring up.

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How it sabotages goals: You quit at the first mistake, procrastinate because you can't do it perfectly, or set the bar so high that failure is guaranteed.

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What it costs you: Constant exhaustion, never feeling good enough, missing out on experiences, difficulty celebrating wins, paralysis.

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Mostly B's: The Avoider Protector

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Core belief: "If I don't engage, I won't get hurt or overwhelmed."

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This part uses procrastination, distraction, and emotional withdrawal to keep you from facing difficult feelings or situations. It believes distance equals safety.

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What it's protecting you from: Difficult emotions, failure, overwhelm, being flooded by feelings you can't handle, pain.

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How it sabotages goals: You procrastinate on what matters, distract yourself when things get real, withdraw when you should engage, never start because it feels too big.

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What it costs you: Staying stuck, missed opportunities, disconnection from yourself and others, building anxiety through avoidance, regret.

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Mostly C's: The Inner Critic Protector

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Core belief: "If I criticize myself first, it will hurt less when others do."

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This part attacks you before anyone else can. It keeps you "in your place" through harsh, punishing self-talk. It believes that pre-emptive self-criticism offers protection.

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What it's protecting you from: External criticism, confirming fears of unworthiness, risking and failing, being blindsided by judgment.

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How it sabotages goals: You attack yourself into paralysis, create self-fulfilling prophecies of failure, can't celebrate wins, exhaust yourself with negative self-talk.

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What it costs you: Living in shame, difficulty trying new things, inability to receive praise, constant self-punishment, depression.

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Mostly D's: The People-Pleaser Protector

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Core belief: "If I'm needed and useful, I won't be abandoned."

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This part puts everyone else first to ensure you won't be rejected. Your worth comes from being needed. It believes self-sacrifice equals love.

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What it's protecting you from: Rejection, abandonment, disappointing others, discovering your needs don't matter, being alone.

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How it sabotages goals: Your goals get put on the back-burner for everyone else's needs, you can't say no, you abandon yourself repeatedly, resentment builds.

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What it costs you: Exhaustion, resentment, losing yourself in relationships, your goals never matter, difficulty receiving, burnout.

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Mostly E's: The Controller Protector

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Core belief: "If I control everything, I can prevent pain and chaos."

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This part insists on managing every detail to create certainty and prevent disaster. It believes that control equals safety and that unpredictability equals danger.

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What it's protecting you from: Uncertainty, unpredictability, chaos, things spiralling out of control, vulnerability, being caught off-guard.

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How it sabotages goals: You get paralyzed by analysis, can't start without the perfect plan, panic when life doesn't follow the script, micromanage everything.

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What it costs you: Paralysis, inability to start, panic when plans change, difficulty being spontaneous or present, anxiety, rigid thinking.

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Mixed Results?

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If you have a fairly even spread across multiple letters, that's completely normal. Most people have a primary protective pattern with elements of others that show up in different situations.

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For example, you might be a Perfectionist at work but a People-Pleaser in relationships. Or an Avoider with big life decisions but a Controller with daily tasks.

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The goal isn't to fit perfectly into one category—it's to recognize which patterns are running your life and when.

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Now that you know your pattern(s), everything in the article will make more sense. Keep reading to understand why these protectors developed—and more importantly, how to work WITH them instead of against them.

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Now, you will want to keep your protective pattern in mind as we explore how these parts work—and more importantly, how to work with them instead of against them.

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The Parts That Protect Us (And Why They Resist Change)

In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we understand that our psyche isn't a single, unified entity. Instead, we're made up of different "parts"—each with its own perspective, feelings, and protective strategies. When we set New Year's expectations, we're usually listening to one enthusiastic part that genuinely wants change. Let's call this the "Aspiring Part."

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Your Aspiring Part says: "This year, I'm going to be vulnerable and emotionally open in my relationship!"

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However, there is also another part—the Protector you just identified in the quiz—that's been keeping you safe for years, maybe decades. This Protector learned long ago that being vulnerable leads to pain. Maybe you were rejected when you showed your true feelings as a child. Maybe past partners punished your openness with criticism or withdrawal. This Protector's entire job is to prevent that pain from happening again.

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So this Protector says: "Absolutely not. We're staying guarded. It's safer this way."

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So now what you have is a 'polarity'—that's two parts pulling in opposite directions.

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Imagine you have 'Your Aspiring Part' that wants to set a goal. And 'Your Protector' that doesn't want the change and sabotages it.

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And you're caught in the middle, confused about why you "can't stick to anything."

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The Hidden Agenda of "Bad" Behaviours

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Here's the truth that most New Year's resolution advice completely misses: Your so-called "bad behaviours" that you want to change have an agenda. They're not character flaws or signs of weakness. They're protective strategies that once served a purpose—and often still do.

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Let's say you want to stop withdrawing emotionally from your partner when conflicts arise (a classic Avoider Protector strategy). That withdrawal isn't random. It's a Protector part doing its job. Maybe it learned that engaging in conflict led to overwhelming emotional intensity you couldn't handle. Maybe it witnessed explosive fights growing up and decided that detachment equals safety.

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When partners engage in couple therapy, we work with these protective patterns.

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If you're a Perfectionist trying to be less harsh on yourself, that critical voice isn't just mean—it's trying to prevent you from being blindsided by others' criticism. If you're a People-Pleaser working on boundaries, that self-sacrificing part genuinely believes your value depends on being needed.

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This part isn't trying to ruin your relationship or your life. It's trying to protect you from perceived danger.

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When we set expectations for new behaviours without honouring the old behaviour's protective function, we create an internal war.

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The Protector doesn't just step aside because you made a resolution. It doubles down. It has to—that's its job.

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This is why willpower alone fails. You're not just fighting a habit; you're fighting a part of yourself that believes your survival depends on maintaining that habit.

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So take a pause and think about that for a minute and feel how that applies to You.

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The Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Perspective: Unmet Attachment Needs Beneath the Surface

EFT adds another crucial layer to understanding why our expectations fail.

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EFT teaches us that beneath most relationship struggles are primary emotions—usually fear, shame, or sadness—connected to unmet attachment needs.

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When we set expectations like "I'll be more affectionate with my partner," we're often addressing only the surface behaviour (secondary emotions and responses). We're not looking at what's underneath: the fear of rejection, the shame about neediness, the childhood wound of never feeling worthy of affection.

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Your Protector part might use criticism or distance to avoid feeling that vulnerable, primary emotion. It creates what EFT calls a "negative cycle"—a repetitive pattern where both partners' protective strategies trigger each other.

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You withdraw to protect yourself from feeling rejected (Avoider). Your partner criticizes to protect themselves from feeling abandoned (perhaps their Perfectionist or Controller).

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Round and round it goes, each person's Protector reinforcing the other's worst fears.

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A New Year's expectation that doesn't address this underlying emotional reality is like putting a band-aid on a fracture. The protective patterns will remain because the attachment fears driving them haven't been acknowledged or healed.

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Why Polarity Keeps Us Stuck

In IFS, polarity occurs when two parts have opposing agendas and end up locked in an exhausting battle. One part desperately wants change; another desperately wants safety through sameness. The more one part pushes, the more the other resists.

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Common polarities around New Year's expectations:

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In relationships:

• A part that wants deep intimacy vs. a part that fears engulfment
• A part that craves independence vs. a part that fears abandonment
• A part that wants to "do relationships right" vs. a part convinced you'll fail

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In mental health:

• A part that wants to heal and feel better vs. a part that finds safety in familiar patterns of anxiety or depression
• A part that wants to be vulnerable vs. a part that must maintain control
• A part that wants self-compassion vs. a part that uses self-criticism as motivation

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The exhaustion from this internal tug-of-war is often what we experience as anxiety. We're not just anxious about the goal itself—we're anxious because we're literally fighting ourselves.

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If you identified as a Controller, you might recognize the polarity between wanting spontaneity and needing predictability. If you're a People-Pleaser, you know the battle between wanting to prioritize yourself and fearing others' reactions. This is common territory in mental health therapy in Dubai, where high-achieving professionals and expatriates often struggle with these internal conflicts while managing demanding lifestyles.

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The Mental Health Trap: Anxiety About Anxiety

Setting rigid mental health expectations while ignoring our protective parts creates a particularly cruel trap. Let's say you resolve to "stop being anxious." But anxiety is often a Protector part trying to help you avoid danger, maintain control, or prepare for worst-case scenarios.

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When you try to eliminate this Protector without understanding its role, several things happen:

1. The Protector intensifies (more anxiety about being anxious)
2. You feel like a failure when the anxiety doesn't disappear
3. Another part of you called 'A Manager' part might step in with harsh self-criticism ("What's wrong with you? Just calm down!")—hello, Inner Critic!
4. This criticism triggers even more anxiety

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Now you're not just dealing with the original anxiety—you're dealing with layers of secondary responses, all parts trying to protect you in their own dysfunctional ways.

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From an EFT perspective, the anxiety might be covering primary emotions like loneliness, grief, or a deep fear of not mattering. Until you can access and process these primary emotions in a safe way, the protective anxiety won't budge.

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The Missing Step: Honouring What Was

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Before you can create sustainable change, you need to understand and honour why the old patterns existed. This is the step everyone skips.

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In IFS, we call this "Getting to know your parts." Instead of trying to banish the Protector that withdraws from conflict, you might:

• Acknowledge it: "I notice there's a part of me that shuts down when things get heated."
• Get curious: "What are you protecting me from? What are you afraid will happen if I stay engaged?
• Listen: Often, these parts carry memories and fears from long ago
• Thank it: "I appreciate that you've been trying to keep me safe. That job must be exhausting."

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From an EFT lens, you'd explore the attachment fear beneath the protective strategy:

• "When I withdraw, what am I most afraid my partner will see?"
• "What does conflict mean about me? About us?"
• "What do I need in this moment that I'm afraid to ask for?"

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Only after you understand the protective function can you negotiate with that part. You might say, "I see you're afraid I'll be overwhelmed by conflict. What if we had a new way to stay safe that didn't require completely shutting down?

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What if we could take breaks when things get intense, but come back to finish the conversation?"

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This is collaboration with your parts, not domination of them. It's an approach I use extensively in both individual therapy and couples therapy in Dubai, helping clients develop sustainable strategies for change.

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5 IFS and EFT-Informed Tips for Setting Sustainable Expectations

1. Map Your Parts Before Setting Goals

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Before you write down a single resolution, spend time identifying the parts involved. Use journaling to ask:

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• What part of me wants this change?

• What part of me might resist it?

• What is the resisting part protecting me from?

• What does the resisting part fear will happen if I change?

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Understanding the polarity before you're in it gives you a fighting chance.

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2. Identify the Primary Emotion and Attachment Need

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Using EFT principles, dig beneath the behaviour you want to change. Ask yourself:

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• What am I really afraid of?

• What do I need that I'm not asking for?

• What would it mean about me if I succeeded/failed at this goal?

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Most relationship and mental health goals are really about unmet needs for safety, validation, or secure connection. Name the real need, not just the behavioural symptom.

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3. Negotiate With Your Protectors, Don't Override Them

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Instead of "I'm going to stop procrastinating," try: "I'm noticing there's a part of me that procrastinates. I'm going to get curious about what it's protecting me from (fear of failure? perfectionism? feeling controlled?)."

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Then negotiate: "What would help you feel safe enough to let me try this differently?" Maybe the Protector needs you to break the task into smaller pieces, or to have a backup plan, or to remember that your worth isn't tied to productivity.

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When Protectors feel heard and respected, they relax. When they feel attacked or ignored, they escalate.

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4. Set Goals That Honor Both Sides of the Polarity

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Instead of choosing one part's agenda over the other, set goals that acknowledge both needs:

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Instead of: "Be completely open and vulnerable" (which terrifies the Protector)

Try: "Practice small moments of vulnerability while also honouring when I need to go slow"

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Instead of: "Never withdraw during conflict" (impossible for the Avoider)

Try: "Notice when I'm getting flooded, name it, and agree on a time-out strategy with my partner"

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Instead of: "Stop being a perfectionist" (fighting the Perfectionist)

Try: "Do one task this week at 80% instead of 100% and notice it's still valuable"

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This honours both the part that wants growth AND the part that needs safety.

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5. Track Process, Not Perfection—And Journal About Parts

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Keep a journal that focuses on understanding your internal system, not just tracking success/failure:

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• "What part showed up today when I tried to (your goal)?"

• "What was it trying to protect me from?"

• "What did I learn about my attachment patterns in this interaction?"

• "How did my primary emotion differ from my protective response?"

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This kind of reflection builds internal awareness and compassion, which is where real, lasting change happens.

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Want to Go Deeper?

Join me on the 90-Minute online IFS & EFT Workshop to finally understand your self-sabotage patterns - and create goals that actually stick

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We will gently explore these protective patterns together—not to fight them, but to finally understand what they're trying to tell you.

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Limited spaces available for personalised attention.

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EXPLORE THE WORKSHOP

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When to Seek Professional Support

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If you find yourself stuck in repeating patterns of self-sabotage, if your protective parts feel too overwhelming to navigate alone, or if you simply want expert guidance in creating sustainable change, therapy can be transformative.

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This journey doesn't have to be walked alone. Professional support can help you understand your internal system, work compassionately with your protective patterns, and finally create the lasting change you've been seeking.

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Book a free confidential consultation to explore how you can be supported on your path forward.

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About the Author

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Evelyne L. Thomas is an experienced Mental Health Coach and Multicultural Couples Therapist based in Dubai, specializing in Internal Family Systems (IFS), Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT), cross-cultural relationships, interfaith marriages, and expat family dynamics.

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With over 10 years supporting individuals and couples, and more than 40 years of experience living and working in the UAE, she brings deep cultural sensitivity and holistic healing approaches to mental health and relationship therapy in the region.

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Evelyne works with English and French-speaking clients online worldwide or in-person in Dubai.

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'In two sessions, Evelyne has managed to help me release a heavy belief I had carried with me my entire life - something I never thought could shift so quickly and clearly. Her method, her compassion, you can truly feel she cares, and I feel safe regardless how heavy the sessions can be. I'm truly grateful to have come to her for help.' M - Client in Dubai.

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All cultures, all backgrounds, all love stories are welcome

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